For every 50 to 60 shitty, unsolicited children’s CDs, quilt-it-yourself kits, and books about menopause that inexplicably arrive in our offices daily, there’s that rare sweet, angel’s blood–flavored gooey filling in my shit donut of a mail day. In this case, a limited-edition, serially-numbered Essential Artists bottle of 1800 Tequila featuring the art of Glen Barr. In all, nine artists were commissioned to tag up their own bottle, of which—natch—1,800 each were made and individually numbered with their design emblazoned directly on the glass.

Now I own art. Of course, the thing’s so goddamned beautiful that I can’t bring myself to open it. Thanks, motherfuckers!

 

 Design your own bottle and get it made here!

 

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The Movie
Wild Style (1983), $20.
“This is the best start. You had the four elements of the culture in a single movie and soundtrack. It featured the roots of all the music—Busy Bee, the Cold Crush Brothers, the Fantastic Freaks, Grandmaster Flash, and Grand Wizard Theodore, who invented the scratch. Then you had the break-dancing and popping crews. And, of course, the burners (graffiti artists), like Lee Quinones, doing whole subway cars and benches—all in this movie. This is quintessential not just for New York but for all of hip-hop.”

The Fashion Bibles
1. Back in the Days (2001), $35.
2. A Time Before Crack (2005) $35.
Books by photographer Jamel Shabazz.
“There were two main spots to get your hip-hop gear in New York, both in downtown Manhattan: Delancey St. for the big, puffy coats and fat shoelaces, then Canal Street to get your gold ropes and nameplates, rings, all that. The photos Jamel took in the ’80s really capture those nascent B-Boy styles that were on the streets: from Reeboks to mock necks to Kangols to thick, square glasses.”

The Essential Single
“Eric B. Is President,” by Eric B. & Rakim (1987), $1.
“In the summer of ’87, New York was just hungry for a hit. The Wop dance had just come out. So here comes Rakim…‘I came in the door’…boom…‘I said it before’…boom…‘I never let the mic magnetize me no more.’ It was so new, so funky. It was fun, but with Rakim’s voice and delivery it was dangerous, too. The girls were doing the Wop dance, shaking their big, gold door-knocker earrings. I’m telling you, it was this perfect storm that swept the city. Essential.”

The Innovators
1. “The Show,” by Doug E. Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew, featuring MC Ricky D, AKA: Slick Rick (1985), $1.
“Slick Rick is just one of the true innovators. Listen and see why he’s called Slick Rick the Ruler. This single, when it came out, just swept through the boroughs.
2. “It’s Yours,” by T La Rock and Jazzy Jay (1983), $1. “This is the first Def Jam recording by Rick Rubin, who with Russell Simmons signed and produced Public Enemy, Run DMC, and the Beastie Boys.” Bonus: The Beasties can be heard in the background of “It’s Yours.”

The Battles
1. Down by Law, by MC Shan, produced by DJ Marley Marl (1987), $15.
2. Criminal Minded, by Boogie Down Productions (1987), $15.
“When hip-hop really started coming off, people were claiming it for their neighborhoods. MC Shan was the first to do this, with “The Bridge” on Down by Law. He said it started out in Queensbridge [Queens]. Then KRS-One from BDP battled back and claimed it for the Bronx, dissing Shan and Marley Marl on Criminal Minded. Borough battling was a huge movement in ’80s hip-hop.”

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Bargain Beast
Black & Decker EK700 Slice Right, $15
Lowdown: It may not look heavy-duty, but the brand name gave us high hopes. Bird buzz: The Slice Right ripped our bird rather than slicing it, leaving us cuts of meat with jagged ridges. So we made our guests eat with their hands. Primal!
Cran jam: Bouncing back from its turkey trouble, this blade showed its brawn, cleaving the lid of our canned cranberries in just 70 seconds.
Tree trim: Need to get that unwieldy tree in shape? Our maniacal tester sawed through the trunk in 15 minutes, cackling the whole time.
Verdict: “Looking for an electric knife for carving everything but a turkey? This could be your weapon,” says our tester.

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We are sent a lot of unsolicited ideas from people who have very clearly never picked up a copy of the magazine or visited the Web site before; random, demographically dubious stuff ranging from men's eyeliner (still gay) to Golden Girls DVD box sets (still funny). But with unemployment at its highest level in 14 years, deflation threatening to jeopardize inflation, and hard-working Americans letting bored Chinese tourists teabag them for gas money, this press release struck deep into the cavity where our souls once lived before we were forced to pawn them.

Konquest, manufacturer of premium casual menswear—a seeming paradox which, literally translated, means "expensive shitty-looking clothing"—has finally climbed Mount Audacity to bring us its first $10,000 hoodie. That's right, a hooded sweatshirt. Ten thousand dollars. Feel free to punch to death in frustration the baby you can no longer afford to raise, we'll wait.

Better? Now marvel at the sweatshirt's luxuriant 100-percent cotton facade bedazzled with 4,000 real Swarovski crystals. Used to be, in a down economy you wanted to look well dressed without paying to look well dressed. Fuck that. Cashing in your last remaining savings to look like a hungry migrant laborer is THE preeminent way to flout financial ruin, and sales of Konquest's accompanying new product line even benefit schools in Uganda. Think about that every time you tug, irony-free, at this sweatshirt's three-carat diamond zipper pull.

Konquest official site

 

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Checklist
• 1 pair stereo multimedia microphones with 3.5 mm plugs
• Utility knife
• Stethoscope (check your local drugstore)
• Power drill
• Glue gun
• 3.5 mm Stereo Y adapter
• Recordable MP3 or tape player
• Acute paranoia

Step 1
With an empty glass against the wall, you can’t discern whether your girlfriend just said, “I want to be naughty for you,” or, “I’m glad I TiVo’d The View.” But with this creepy contraption, you can now capture—and record—her voice with clarity. First, pry open the buds of the microphones with the utility knife so you can access what’s inside.

Step 2
The microphones just won’t fit in the stethoscope, no matter how much Astroglide you use? Take the earbuds off the ’scope and drill out the top hole just wide enough for the mikes to fit nice and snug, just like that adult diaper you secretly wear.

Step 3
Put some glue in the earpieces and insert the business end of the mikes facing in; allow them to dry, then put the earpieces back on the stethoscope. Keep plugging away—pretty soon your paranoid delusions will become a painful reality!

Step 4
Connect the 3.5 mm wires into the Y adapter and hook that up to your MP3 player. Now go record what your girlfriend, boss, or neighbor is saying and post it on the Internet. With spy gear this cheap, you’ll have plenty of cash left for legal fees.*

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